I can’t

Sometimes I wake up and my heart is pounding. I find myself worried about all the things I need to do as a new church planter & mom.

I have so many to do lists. I’ve spent hours trying to figure out how to purposefully and skillfully build a foundation in each area God has given me. Last year was my least active as a woman in ministry. This year I am enjoying my most active year in ministry. I love it, but in the process of going 0 to 100 almost overnight, I have constantly been faced with “I can’t”.

The feeling of not knowing how to take my list from an idea to a working structure confronts me. I wake up feeling defeated sometimes. In fact 7 months ago I would say I woke up almost every morning this way.

“I can’t” tried to stop me from finding joy in anything. I remember wondering if i would ever “wake up on the right side of the bed again”. I remember not wanting to get out of bed. I remember wanting to finish tasks, but “i can’t” stood there taunting me.

“I CAN’T” thinking would somedays turn into toxic thinking in my soul if I didn’t fight it. It turned into:
“I wont succeed even if i try”
“Others don’t believe you can either” “You are not even remotely qualified for this”
“You are not good enough”
“You are going to do something or find out something that will ruin everything” “You have failed at everything so far and you never finish anything”
“Just give up, someone else can do it better”.

Wow, I was defeated before getting out of bed. I was truly fighting a battle. This is not the first time I have faced this… Even in my simple year at home last year I found just doing household tasks would overwhelm me. This was not my normal way of thinking, It hasn’t always been this way!

I know now that the enemy of my soul trying to abort my call and get me to sit back. I decided to fight, to go bed listening to worship and claim the verse “joy comes in the morning”. I probably shouldn’t be confessing all this to you because at some level I really want you to think that as a pastors wife, I have it all together.

However, the word of God teaches us to ask people to “follow me as I follow Christ”.

The truth is that, I only have it all together when i adjust my thinking to come in proper alignment to God’s.

So if I didn’t show you how I fight when “I can’t” tries to defeat me, I would be doing us all a disservice. God taught me that many times I needed to fight for my joy in the morning!

Here is how I fight my “I can’t” moments:
1) get a hot cup of coffee and go to my safe zone – that place where I can meet with God
2) have a private cry and empty it all out on God.
3) begin to praise & thank God for anything positive in my life
4)open up the WORD in psalms and begin to read & worship until something confronts me and jumps out As a clear word or encouragement to hold to for the day
5)get brutally honest about my current season& my limitations
6) let go of disappointment & expectations I put on myself- ask forgiveness for toxic thinking.
7) ask God to show my what he has assigned for me to do today. Ask God what I need to lay down and not do today.
8) ask God to remind me of how and why He loves me.
9) begin to declare God’s promises in my life.
10) do the now thing .

God always asks us to do something with right now- if we accomplish whatever is for this moment, things will find that God is working everything out for good according to His own purpose. Today my season is requiring something I won’t have in 2 years- cuddling with my 3yr old because he wants to is my most important task today. Yep, he is on my lap right now… Pushing, moving around and loving each second. This post will prob have several spelling errors because I am typing it with my thumb on my iPhone so I can hold Ethan. I can fix all that later. This is my now. It will change in an hour and I pray that whatever I need to do then I will be able to push past “I can’t” and be present in the moment giving 100% to that task.

What is the “I can’t” you face today?
Are you letting it defeat you?
What has God asked you to do today?
Have you let the Holy Spirit lead and guide you in it?

Joy comes in the morning, but you must remember to fight the “I can’t” that tries to render you useless today. Arm yourself with the Word of God speak life into your situations. If God is for you, who can be against you!?!



3 Comments Add yours

  1. godschick says:

    I love your post! I can relate to you sister! I love your transparency and honesty and how YOU get the breakthrough. Encouraged me and I know it will encourage many. I love the part about writing that long post on your iPhone with the 3 year old in your lap. That is a talent! And you hardly had any errors. I saw you at the worship night….would have loved to get over to say hi but all 3 kids stayed in there with us and my toddler was on the verge of meltdown! (Maybe you noticed the 2 year old on the verge of storming the stage at the end???….if you saw then yep that was my son) πŸ™‚ He was loving it. Blessings to you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. bayareamomma says:

      Lol. Sometimes I might be a little too transparent, but it is the way I learn from my mistakes and the way to help others not make the same ones I guess. I didn’t notice a cute little guy at TFH, but I wish I had. I was kid-less and so I think I tuned out all the ones around me. lol. I will be there tomorrow too. Maybe we can meet this weekend.


      1. godschick says:

        Yes, I’ll be there. Hope to see you there! I think I’m sitting with Autumn…so I’m sure we’ll cross paths. πŸ™‚


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