Something I have been writing for very long time. It is incomplete, but a start. Join me?
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
My weight loss journey has been and is a long one. I have had yo yo feelings about it. I do well and loose weight and then I gain it back when I give up.
I know it has been a journey of learning…. AND – fair warning…. i intend to over-spirtualize it by a long shot. Why? Because it is teaching me compassion, and a real heart issue and hopefully keys to doing ministry life.
Here are just a few of the feelings I have had on my weight loss journey and how I have heard these same things but in a different perspective from people I have spoken to over the years about their walk with God.
TRUTH: I found out the truth. I researched and found out what it takes to loose weight. I found the truth and I know it. So many people KNOW that they know that Christianity is the truth… They heard a word or a friend who talked about Jesus…. We just feel so guilty. We don’t want to really change. We don’t know how to even start. We don’t know how to Go to God to receive Grace for the journey. He gives us all we need. Even in my weight-loss… this is a place I have ignored God’s ability to help me. I have tried to just “be good” all on my own. I own this reality. I cannot do it on my own.
Ignoring it. It’s been 3 months. I have ignored my weight watchers subscription. Paid for the tracking online feature and basically just lived life without weight watchers for 3 months. It is so easy to do. And so much easier to not weigh in, count calories, or feel the constant guilt. I don’t exactly want to give up. I still want to see this program work for me, but I took a sabbatical. The truth is that I am watching my thinking pattern. It is soooo much like what a typical response is from those who walk away from church and their relationship with God. I know that this journey is helping me understand and will ultimately show me keys to reaching out to those who have given up on their faith. In the meantime, I have had serious back problems and a complete lack of intentional exercise. I have felt pain because I ignored my place of healing.
Not plugged in. I have realized that It was much easier to ignore the problem of being overweight if I ignored my place of accountability – if I never had to address the issue. Much like those who ignore church and accountability. The problems and sin didn’t go away, but ignoring it’s existence and those places and people who remind me seem to cover it up for a while and that feels good. I can just do what I want. I can go when I want and yes I feel guilty about it if I’m honest. that is not fun.
Doing it alone- I know I need a group. I know it. Doing LIFE together is what I need. I need a community to plug into. A place to connect. But life is just too busy. So life-change never happens because I ignore it. I stay the same and don’t grow. I go back to my old familiar places or look for new inspiration. I know when group is happening but I am somehow always too busy. Sounds so familiar from those who don’t come to church and plug in. I KNOW joining a group will help. an exercise group or accountability group will keep me in the loop. It is sooo hard to do it on my own. I need to do it with others. I have kept trying to find a group for years. In the end I leave and am alone again. I have joined gyms, and programs and not stayed in anyone one of these… and so now I still feel ultimately alone even though I have reached out online with ww. So like church, I need to root myself into a group, serve somehow in that group and stay connected. Staying rooted is the only way to grow and produce fruit. Doing it alone is when I make lots of excuses, and go back to my old lifestyle.
People- Yep people are a problem everywhere. people in Weight Watchers let me down. I was hoping that the online community would be what I needed. I liked it for a month or two – I felt connected. But then, I didn’t. I didn’t really like who i was connecting to. I didn’t have the right people around me… or people said things I didn’t like… in fact they were immature and didn’t say anything helpful at all. So I felt alone again, I gave up. Instead of knowing my purpose… pressing in and looking for a way to be involved myself in a real way that would keep me on track, I let people make me quit my journey. I gave up. There are amazing people in ww. I just didn’t stick around to find them myself… I wanted to be found. Sound familiar Christians?
GUILTY: I found that I ignored my ww site because I was Not convinced that this was the real way to weight loss.. I just felt guilty when I came. It was too much to take in. Too many rules to follow. No results that seem to leave me changed. I always go back to the same old stuff. Like those who go back to the same old sin. It just was discouraging. I actually LOVE to walk, stretch and exercise… but I didn’t do it because it was just too overwhelming. I like how I feel after exercise. I just chose not to do it. I felt I wasn’t good enough. I watched others around me change… and it only made me feel even worse. I was happy for them but discouraged for me.
There were just Too many options in my mind. I thought maybe I could get results another way. like those exploring Christianity, lost in the amount of choice. Getting excited about it at first, but in the excuse time of not participating – getting confused as to what is real. I excused it saying…. Weight Watchers is just one of those ways. AND, Yes there are other ways to weight loss, but the bottom line of life change is all the same core situation or it is a fake. Nutritional whole foods, movement aka: exercise, and limited eating of a reasonable amount everyday – portion control… done consistently over time will lead to weight loss. Same with the way to God and heaven… there are lots of great looking, self pleasing options… that feel good but don’t lead to eternal life with God in heaven.
HIDING from the pain. I have realized that I hide a lot. I hide from pictures, from being seen with summer attire on, from the shopping. Despair: Secretly, I am in so sad about the way things are. I do not like where I am at. But I hate to admit it or talk about it. It just makes me feel like a failure. It is terrible when I think about this at night. So many lies from the enemy that I have to fight off… like this will never change, or that I am a failure in this area, or that I will never get out of this pattern.
Closet confessions: I keep my ripped jeans in my closet… they are not wearable. Things in my past. They are ripped because over time, my extra weight ripped them up. The extra weight always does that. I keep it there because it just makes me sad to see all the wasted money. The jeans didn’t even last a year. In fact, I keep a lot of old stuff hidden in the back of my closet. I don’t want it…. in fact- I want to give it for free to someone in need. But how? So it sits and is an endless pile… I even go into it occasionally to see if I really want to throw it away… and look for something new to wear…. Oh how I can see how all this preaches. It is so obvious how In this area of my life, I am sooo much like those doing this with their whole life. Pain and sin from the past and mistakes made that we have gotten out of our life, but kept still for review or guilt. I also have a few things in my closet that are goal clothes… clothes I hope to fit into.. they just make me feel even more guilty. It doesn’t have to be this way. They could be goals and things to celebrate the journey.
NEW Operating System. I have not made a life decision in health. I know i have only added this and that from the truth into my life hoping it will work. I have not made any real and lasting changes. I have not even listened to my body and to know when it was hungry or not. I just do my thing. It is hard to eat at times when I am hungry… food is not available then. It is hard to plan. It is hard to say no to a wonderful meal out. It is hard to say no to fun events.I have wanted to add weight-loss into my life… like adding an app to my phone. Not making a lasting change of lifestyle. We treat Christianity like this.. just an added app to my phone. not at all wholehearted. When we don’t listen to the Holy Spirit who is giving us help for daily life… we get this way in our Christianity. Our life in Christ is not meant to be an added app but a completely updated operating system. But we never upgrade…. we just add a Christian app and we open when we feel like it. It was meant to be a whole new system.
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